Have You Seen My Life?

Imagine facing everyday alone..all the hardships and pain...even if you had good times to share, there is no one to call...Imagine having lost not only both your parents, but your brothers and sister as well. Having them all taken from you within a few years time...Imagine being stuck in a place with no friends and not having the freedom to do even the basics...going to work, store, church or doctor...imagine having to walk a line of eggshells just to keep the peace. cook this, clean that...and being expected to keep your mouth shut and show gratitude for the roof over your head...keeping your feelings to yourself and pretending not to be effected by the yelling, screaming, name calling and belittling ... I don't have to imagine this because I live it day after day, everyday .

Warning: Graphic Language!




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My Prison

Lying here in the dark with the flannel sheet tucked tightly under my chin, my fear has me pinned to the bed. My eyes are forced to fixate on the room at the end of the hallway. The darkness that surrounds me gives way only to the illuminating light that fills the space around the door to his private room. The doorway to Hell could not be more frightening to me at this moment.

His shadow is stirring vigorously around his room, I imagine he is pacing the floor, he has a habit of that. I can’t make out what his voice is saying from this distance, but I do know that he is alone.

The burning ache of my eyes reminds me to blink. I wish I could close my eyes and escape into sleep. The hardwood and cold walls were never home to me, but now this darkness, this room feels like a prison.

My Mind's Eye

         

When my Life feels so out of control...

I had enough of more than I can take...

I have no strength left....

not even a drop of contention....

the voice of my despair reminds me that the one thing in this World that I can control....

is my own death...

I could ultimately conquer my own Life...

I could end all the struggle and suffering with one swift act....

but my mind's eye reveals a truth that although my heart stops beating and I no longer have breath...

my soul is eternal...

and if the soul leaves the physical body and never heals...

it will suffer forever...my immortal being can not be destroyed by my hand...

only the Creator can undo what he has done.

A Day in The Life of My PTSD

I most often wake up with a heavy feeling of dread and gloom. I start my daily routine by going to the bathroom and I sit in there for a while thinking about my dreams. Then I start having random thoughts about my life and everything that’s wrong with it. People I have lost and how I wish I could run away from myself and my pain. I think about what mood Dave is gonna be in and I catch myself trying to be quiet around the house so not to be noticed. I worry that he thinks the house is too dirty and that my dog sheds way too much or maybe I am using too much of the air to breathe. He has a problem with everything I do or say.

I sit myself down in front of the computer and try to accomplish something, but never really accomplish anything…I get so overwhelmed by the things that I need to do…things that my lively hood depend on…and the thoughts of mom never leave my mind.

Then the fear and anxiety kicks in gear and it takes over…I panic and want to call someone to save me…but there is no one to call…I can still see myself being taken over by some mental illness…I don’t know why…I don’t know the name of it…but its carrying me away and I cant stop it by myself.

When I am having an episode like this or a “bad day” I actually worry that I will reach a point that I will no longer ask myself; “What is wrong with me?” and then I cry uncontrollably …sometimes just tears but mostly really deep cries that take my breathe.

I feel guilty that I feel so sorry for myself..but I don’t think I really deserve losing my family like I have…I still feel that I am worthy of happiness, but I can’t even see happiness….sometimes I fantasize about just being content.

I try and imagine what it’s like to have friends, real friends…kind people in my life that understand and like me without judging me

I read someplace that depression is not because you are weak, it's because you've been strong for too long..

Now after the feelings of fear and dread…I feel very heavy and very sad…even though I want to be inspired, all I can do is nothing. The reality is that my last days of my life are being pulled down into a black hole.