A Day in The Life of My PTSD

I most often wake up with a heavy feeling of dread and gloom. I start my daily routine by going to the bathroom and I sit in there for a while thinking about my dreams. Then I start having random thoughts about my life and everything that’s wrong with it. People I have lost and how I wish I could run away from myself and my pain. I think about what mood Dave is gonna be in and I catch myself trying to be quiet around the house so not to be noticed. I worry that he thinks the house is too dirty and that my dog sheds way too much or maybe I am using too much of the air to breathe. He has a problem with everything I do or say.

I sit myself down in front of the computer and try to accomplish something, but never really accomplish anything…I get so overwhelmed by the things that I need to do…things that my lively hood depend on…and the thoughts of mom never leave my mind.

Then the fear and anxiety kicks in gear and it takes over…I panic and want to call someone to save me…but there is no one to call…I can still see myself being taken over by some mental illness…I don’t know why…I don’t know the name of it…but its carrying me away and I cant stop it by myself.

When I am having an episode like this or a “bad day” I actually worry that I will reach a point that I will no longer ask myself; “What is wrong with me?” and then I cry uncontrollably …sometimes just tears but mostly really deep cries that take my breathe.

I feel guilty that I feel so sorry for myself..but I don’t think I really deserve losing my family like I have…I still feel that I am worthy of happiness, but I can’t even see happiness….sometimes I fantasize about just being content.

I try and imagine what it’s like to have friends, real friends…kind people in my life that understand and like me without judging me

I read someplace that depression is not because you are weak, it's because you've been strong for too long..

Now after the feelings of fear and dread…I feel very heavy and very sad…even though I want to be inspired, all I can do is nothing. The reality is that my last days of my life are being pulled down into a black hole.